Dr. Seuss On The Golden Years 

I cannot see 
I cannot pee 
I cannot chew 
I cannot screw 
Oh My God What can I do? 
My memory shrinks 
My hearing stinks 
No sense of smell 
I look like hell 
My mood is bad--can you tell? 
My body's drooping 
Have trouble pooping 
The Golden Years have come at last 
The Golden Years can kiss my ass. 

I knew a blonde that was so stupid  that....... 
- she called me to get my phone  number. 
- she spent 20 minutes looking at  the orange juice box  because it said "concentrate." 
- she put lipstick on her forehead  because she wanted to make  up her mind. 
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out. 
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and  "DON'T  WALK." 
- she tried to put M&M's in  alphabetical order. 
- she sat on the TV and watched  the couch. 
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. 
- she tried to drown a fish. 
- she thought a quarterback was a  refund. 
- she got locked in a grocery  store and starved to death. 
- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change  back. 
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third  grade. 
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." 
- she tripped over a cordless phone. 
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. 
- at the bottom of the application  where it says "sign  here"...she put Sagittarius." 
- she asked for a price check at  the Dollar Store. 
- it takes her two hours to watch  60 Minutes. 
- if she spoke her mind, she'd  probably be speechless. 
- she studied for a blood test. 
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. 
- she thought Meow Mix was a record  for cats. 
- she thought she needed a token to  get on Soul Train. 
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends. 
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. 
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. 
- when she missed the 44 bus, she  took the 22 bus twice instead. 
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

Calories Burned During Sex 
Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight Look 
how many calories you can burn: 
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES 
With her agreement - 12 cal 
Without her agreement - 187 cal 

TAKING OFF THE BRA 
With both hands - 8 cal 
With one hand - 12 cal 
With one hand being slapped - 37 cal 
With the mouth - 85 cal 

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM 
With erection - 6 cal 
Without erection - 315 cal 

PRELIMINARIES 
Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal 
Trying to find G spot - 92 cal 
Without caring at all - 0 cal 

WHEN DOING IT 
Holding her up - 12 cal 
Just on the floor - 8 cal 

POSITIONS 
Daddy-mummy - 12 cal 
69 laying - 8 cal 
69 standing up - 112 cal 
Trolley - 216 cal 
Italian chandelier - 912 cal 

HAVING AN ORGASM 
Real - 112 cal 
Fake - 315 cal 

POST ORGASM 
Staying in bed - 8 cal 
Jumping off the bed - 36 cal 
Explaining why you jumped off the bed -816 cal 

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION 
Between 16 and 19 years of age -12 cal 
from 20 to 29 - 36 cal 
from 30 to 39 - 108 cal 
from 40 to 49 - 324 cal 
from 50 to 59 - 972 cal 
over 60 - 2916 cal 

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES 
Quietly - 32 cal 
Being in a hurry - 98 cal 
With her husband opening the door- 218 cal 


40 things you won't hear from a Southern Male 

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that. 
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a martini.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog. 
32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake. 
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians. 
27. Do you think my gut is too big? 
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit. 
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak. 
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive. 
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fianc‚, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate. 
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All. 
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'