Just Fred.... A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. "When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. "After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. "Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around! with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. "Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket. ***************************************************************************************************************************************************** Toward the end of the golf course, Jim somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden.......POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, " I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life, as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life !! " Then POOF !.....she was gone. After Jim got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Ron. "Ron, where are you?" Ron yelled back, " I'm over here, in the pussy willows." Jim yells back, " DON'T SWING RON !!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING !!!! ******************************************************************************************************************************** Matchless He/She Put-down Classics He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said... You wear briefs, don't you? He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!" She said... "No problem, I'll get you some that is." He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said... Well, you succeeded. He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man? She said... No, have you? He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said... I would, but you're never there. ******************************************** A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat in the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoeshine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you." ========================================= A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do some business. "That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate." Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town. That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him. "What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."