Ambrose Bierce Quotations


A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.


A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be.


A cynic is one who never sees a good quality in a man, and never fails to see a bad one. He is the 
human owl, vigilant in darkness, and blind to light, mousing for vermin, and never seeing noble game.


A man is known by the company that he organizes.


A penny saved is a penny to squander.


Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.


Prehistoric, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of 
perpetuating falsehood.


Quoting, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.


Specialist, n. One who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.


Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.


Acquaintance, n. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and 
intimate when he is rich or famous.


Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.


Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth 
and common sense.


Admiral, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking. 


War, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing political condition is a period of 
international amity...


War loves to come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide the night.


What this country needs--what every country needs occasionally--is a good hard bloody war to revive 
the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.


Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.


Oratory, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered 
by stenography.


Advice: the smallest current coin.


Ambition. n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by 
friends when dead.


Age--that period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling 
those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit.


All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.


Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.


Arena, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record.


Armor, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.


Auctioneer, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.


Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.


Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.


Bait, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.


Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to the unthinking a kind of 
credibility.


While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch 
both his.


Eulogy, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the 
consideration to be dead.


Acknowledge, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgment of one another's faults is the highest duty 
imposed by our love of truth.


Adder, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other 
expenses of living.


Funeral, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, 
and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.


Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great 
multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.


Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, 
along the path by which he advances to distinction.


Adherent, n. A follower who had not yet obtained all that he expects to get.


Beauty, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.


Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge punishment 
called trigamy.


Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.


Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.


Talk, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.


Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.


Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.


Calamities are of two kinds. Misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.


Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.


Cannibal, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to 
the natural diet of the pre-pork period.


Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.


Childhood, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly 
of youth Ð two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.


Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited 
to the spiritual needs of his neighbors. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.


Clergyman, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of 
bettering his temporal ones.


Miracle, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal 
hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.


Piety, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon his supposed resemblance to man.


The pig is taught by sermons and epistles
To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.


Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible 
to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.


Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are 
two instruments that are worse than a clarionet Ð two clarionets.


Comfort, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.


Commendation, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own.


Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.


Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.


Brandy, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts 
bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.


Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it.


Carnivorous, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and 
assigns.


Centaur, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to 
such a pitch of differentiation...


Commerce, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation 
B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.


Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction 
of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly 
his due.


Congress, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.


Connoisseur, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.


Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal,
 who wishes to replace them with others.


Consolation, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.


Consult, v. i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.


Consul, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is 
given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.


We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To serve oneself is economy of administration.


There are three sexes; males, females and girls.


Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.


Coward, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.


Crayfish, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.


Creditor, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their 
desolating incursions.


Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.


Debauchee, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.


Daring, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.


Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.


Delegation, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.


Deliberation, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.


Deluge, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.


Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth,
pulls coins out of your pocket.


Destiny, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for
failure.


Diagnosis, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.


Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard 
and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.


Disobedience, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.


Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.


Divorce, n. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.


A divorce is a bugle blast that separates the combatants and makes them fight at long range.


Distress, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.


Eat, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and 
deglutition.


Eccentricity, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.


Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you 
cannot afford.


Edible, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to atoad, a toad to a snake, a snake 
to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.


Education is that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of 
understanding.


Understanding, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse 
by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode 
a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.


Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.


Emotion, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is 
sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.


Heart, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, the seat of emotions and sentiments--
a very pretty fancy which is nothing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known 
that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach.


Enough, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.


Executive, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to
enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such a time as the judicial department shall be 
pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect.


Entertainment, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.


Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.


Exile, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.


Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, 
frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.


Felon, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in
embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.


Fiddle, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a
horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.


Friendship, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.


These are the prerogatives of genius: to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions 
from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.


If you would be counted great among your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.


Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our
friends are true and our happiness is assured.


Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace 
his own.


Geographer, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world 
and the inside.


Ghost, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.


Glutton, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by
committing dyspepsia.


Gout, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.


Grave, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.


Guillotine, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.


Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into 
somebody's pocket.


Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.


Hearse, n. Death's baby-carriage.


Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, 
and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.


Hebrew, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.


Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.


Fib, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the 
perigree of his eccentric orbit.


Homoeopathist, n. The humorist of the medical profession.


Hurry, n. The dispatch of bunglers.


Hypocrite, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of 
seeming to be what he despises.


Forgetfulness, n. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of 
conscience.


Air, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.


Alliance, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply 
inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.


Alone, adj. In bad company.


Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.


Historian, n. A broad-gauge gossip.


History, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by 
rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.


Hope, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.


Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in 
need of food and lodging.


Houseless, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods.


House, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, 
fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.


Hovel, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace.


Humanity, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.


Husband, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.


Hypocrisy, n. Prejudice with a halo.


I think I think; therefore I think I am.


Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always 
been dominant and controlling.


Influence, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid.


Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not 
worthy of keeping.


Idleness, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the 
growth of staple vices.


Ignoramus, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and 
having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.


Imagination, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.


Impartial, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side 
of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.


Immodest, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of 
worth in others.


Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.


Impostor n. A rival aspirant to public honors.


Improvidence, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.


In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary, patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. 
With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.


Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational 
as a headless hen.


Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.


In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is 
due to their unequal activity.


Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." 
The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.


Insurance, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy 
the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.


International arbitration may be defined as the substitution of many burning questions for 
a smoldering one.


Interpreter, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other 
by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to 
have said.


Inventor, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and 
believes it civilization.


It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs 
of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of 
the sense of smell.


Justice, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the 
citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.


Kindness, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.


Lap, n. One of the most important organs of the female system--an admirable provision of nature 
for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold 
chicken and heads of adult males.


Male, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly 
known (to the female) as Mere Man.


Meekness, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.


Mercy, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders.


Metropolis, n. A stronghold of provincialism.


Misdemeanor, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no 
claim to admittance into the best criminal society.


Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.


King, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a 
crown and has usually no head to speak of.


Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief.


Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.


Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.


Language, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.


Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by 
inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.


Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.


Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.


Legacy, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.


Lecturer, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.


Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks, without knowledge, of 
things without parallel.


Liberty, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions.


Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have 
never been able to find a living specimen of either.


Life, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its 
loss; yet when lost it is not missed.


Lighthouse, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the 
friend of a politician.


Litigant, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.


Litigation, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.


Oath, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for 
perjury.


Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.


Love is a delightful day's journey. At the farther end kiss your companion and say farewell.


They stood before the altar and supplied
The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.


Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and 
incapacities of the human misunderstanding.


Love, n. A temporary insanity cured by marriage.


Low-bred, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up.


Luminary, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it.


Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards 
of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with 
the majority; in short, unusual.


Magic, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high 
purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.


Magpie, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.


Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what 
he indubitably ought to be.


[Man's] chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, 
multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.


Marriage, n. The state of condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two 
slaves, making in all, two.


Widow, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although 
Christ's tenderness toward widows was one of the most marked features of His character.


Medicine, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.


Dog, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of 
the world's worship.


Dullard, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The Dullards came in with Adam, 
and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable world.


Martyr, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.


Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.


Merchant, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing 
pursued is a dollar.


Mind, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the 
endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.


My country, 'tis of thee
Sweet land of felony
Of thee I sing--
Land where my father fried
Young witches and applied
Whips to the Quaker's hide
And made him spring.


Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.


Absolute, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does 
as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.


Money, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it. An evidence of 
culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property.


Monkey, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.


Monument, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or 
cannot be commemorated.


Mythology, n. the body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, 
heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.


Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to 
make us disobedient.


Nepotism, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.


Noise, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign 
of civilization.


Observatory, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors.


Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man--who has no gills.


Omen, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.


Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.


Positivism, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of 
the Apparent.


Orthodox, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke.


Our vocabulary is defective; we give the same name to woman's lack of temptation and man's lack 
of opportunity.


Pain, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being 
done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.


Painting, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.


Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: the ancients painted their 
statues. The only present alliance between the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons.


Pandemonium, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics 
and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.


Pardon, v. To remit a penalty and restore to a life of crime.


Passport, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an 
alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.


Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable 
acquaintance.


Alien, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.


Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.


Patriot, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe 
of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.


Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of anyone ambitious to illuminate his name. 


In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. 
With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is 
the first.


Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.


Penitent, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.


Pessimism, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening 
prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.


Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.


Pedestrian, n. The variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.


Pedigree, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an 
urban descendant with a cigarette.


Perseverance, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.


Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.


Tariff, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the 
greed of his consumer.


Calamity, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life 
are not of our own ordering.


Philanthropist, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while 
his conscience is picking his pocket.


Rich, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the i
ncompetent, the unthrifty, the envious, and the luckless.


Wine, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as 
"rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.


The wine of Arpad Haraszthy has a bouquet all its own. It tickles and titillates the palate. 
It gurgles as it slips down the alimentary canal. It warms the cockles of the heart, and it 
burns the sensitive lining of the stomach.


Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.


Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.


Photograph, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.


Phrenology, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and 
exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.


Physician, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.


Piano, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the 
keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.


Pygmy, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, 
but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pygmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier 
Caucasians--who are Hogmies.


Picture, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.


Pie, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.


Pillory, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction-- prototype of the modern 
newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.


Piracy, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.


Pitiful, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.


Platitude, n. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in the 
diction of a dullard. A moral without a fable.


Enemy, n. is a designing scoundrel who has done you some service which it is inconvenient to 
repay. In military affairs, a body of men actuated by the basest motives and pursuing the most 
iniquitous aim.


Epitaph, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive 
effect.


Plan, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.


Please, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.


Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.


Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society 
is reared.


Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of 
public affairs for private advantage.


Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.


Pre-existence, n. An unnoted factor in creation.


Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner 
confessedly unworthy.


Prescription, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm 
to the patient.


Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.


Presentable, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.


Presidency, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.


Price, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.


Proboscis, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork 
that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.


Prospect, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden.


Push, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other 
is Pull.


Queen, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled 
when there is not.


A woman absent is a woman dead.


Quill, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use 
of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same 
everlasting
Presence.


Quiver, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried 
their lighter arguments.


Quotient, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained 
in the pocket of another Ð usually about as many times as it can be got there.


Radicalism, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.


Ramshackle, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise know as the Normal American.


Rash, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.


Rascal, n. A fool considered under another aspect.


Fool, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and diffuses himself 
through the channels of moral activity. He is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscient, 
omnipotent...


Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.


Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should 
assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.


"There's no free will," says the philosopher; "to hang is most unjust."
"There's no free will," assents the officer: "we hang because we must."


Rear, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.


Reason, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.


Rebel, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.


Brahma, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva--
a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations.


Recollect, v. To recall with additions something not previously known.


Reconsider, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.


Referendum, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the 
nonsensus of public opinion.


Recreation, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue.


Reflection, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the 
things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.


Yesterday, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.


Reform, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation.


Oppose, v. To assist with obstructions and objections.


Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by 
hamstringing it.


Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.


Reparation, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt 
in committing it.


Reporter, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.


Representative, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without 
discernible hope of promotion in the next.


Resident, adj. Unable to leave.


Resign, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater 
advantage.


Resolute, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.


Respectability, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.


Respirator, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby 
to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.


Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, 
Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.


Ridicule, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the 
dignity of character distinguishing him who utters them.


Reverence, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.


Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.


Riot, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.


Rite, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the 
essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.


Romance, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are.


Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six 
days and was arrested on the seventh.


Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to 
where it is futile to go.


Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.


Rumor, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.


Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.


Slang, n. The grunt of the human hog (Pignoramus intolerabilis) with an audible memory.


Sauce, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment... For every sauce invented 
and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.


Scribbler, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own.


Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane 
writings on which all other faiths are based.


Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement.


Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.


Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.


Senate, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.


Senator, n. The fortunate bidder in an auction of votes.


Early one June morning in 1872, I murdered my father--an act which made a deep impression on me 
at the time.


An accomplice is one associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, 
as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty...


Habeas Corpus, n. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime.


Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it.


Strike while your employer has a big contract.


Where there's a will there's a won't.


Tail, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an 
independent existence in a world of its own. 


Take, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.


"Force is but might," the teacher said--
"That definition's just."
The boy said naught but thought instead,
Remembering his pounded head: "Force is not might but must!"


Freedom, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint's infinite
multitude of methods...


Beggar, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.


Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad 
government.


Telescope, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, 
enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details.


Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a 
disagreeable person keep his distance.


Court Fool, n. The plaintiff.


Lawful, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.


The covers of this book are too far apart.


The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance 
among men.


The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.


Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.


Tree, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus, though through a 
miscarriage of justice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all.


Trichinosis, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.


Truthful, adj. Dumb and illiterate.


Once, adv. Enough.


Twice, adv. Once too often.


Type, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite 
their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.


Ultimatum, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.


Valor, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.


Duty is that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.


Vanity, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.


Virtues, n.pl. Certain abstentions.


Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of 
his country.


Weather, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does 
not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors 
whom it keenly concerned.


A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward 
through a million graves...


Wedding, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become 
nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.


What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.


Wheat, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which 
is used also for bread.


When you are ill make haste to forgive your enemies, for you may recover.


Wit, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.


Humorist, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and 
persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.


Plague, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their ruler, 
as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the Immune.


The plague as we of today have the happiness to know it is merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation 
of her purposeless objectionableness.


Witch, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful 
and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.


Witticism, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine 
is pleased to call a "joke."


Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.


Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.


Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact.


Worms'-Meat, n. The finished product of which we are the raw material.


Yankee, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the 
Southern States the word is unknown.


Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.


Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.