Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personal Ads WOMEN'S ADS 40-ish......................... 49 Adventurer..................... Slept with all your friends Athletic....................... No tits Average looking................ Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful...................... Pathological liar Contagious Smile............... Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated....................... Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure............. Medicated Feminist....................... Fat ballbuster Free spirit.................... Junkie Friendship first............... Trying to live down reputation as a slut Fun............................ Annoying Gentle......................... Comatose Good Listener.................. Borderline Autistic New-Age........................ All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned.................. Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs Open-minded.................... Desperate Outgoing....................... Loud and Embarrassing Passionate..................... Sloppy drunk Poet........................... Depressive Schizophrenic Professional................... Certified Bitch Redhead........................ Bad dye-job Reubenesque.................... Grossly Fat Romantic....................... Looks better by candle light Social......................... Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray Voluptuous..................... Very Fat Weight proportion w/height..... Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate................. Stalker Widow.......................... Drove first husband to shoot himself Young at heart................. Old bat MEN'S ADS 40-ish......................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic....................... Watches a lot of NASCAR Average looking................ Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated....................... Will patronize the shit out of you Free Spirit.................... Banging your sister Friendship first............... As long as friendship involves nookie Fun............................ Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking................... Arrogant Very good looking.............. Dumb as a board Honest......................... Pathological Liar Huggable....................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear Likes to cuddle................ Insecure mama's boy Mature......................... Older than your father Open-minded.................... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested Physically fit................. Does a lot of 12-ounce curls Poet........................... Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall Sensitive...................... Cries at chick flicks Very sensitive................. Gay Spiritual...................... Got laid in a cemetery once Stable......................... Arrested for stalking, but not convicted Thoughtful..................... Says "Excuse me" when he farts