A Lesson On The Rules Of Romance
(Author Unknown)
  
RULES OF ROMANCE In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played. 

Simple Duties 

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car................. +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make 
it to the nearest gas station.................................. -1 
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb..+1 
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck 
pulls away......................................................-1 
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish...............+1 
You leave them under the bed....................................-5 
You run the dishwasher when it is full..........................+5 
You go to her defense when she is being verbally accosted by a 
man at the grocery store because she has 9 items in the express
line...........................................................+10 
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with 
wings...........................................................+5 
But return with fudge, instead..................................-5 
You leave the toilet seat up....................................-1 
You leave the toilet seat up and you hear a splash at 1 am.....-25 
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................0 
You replace the toilet-paper roll, but it's backwards ..........-1 
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1 
You make the bed................................................+1 
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.......0 
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....................-1 
You check out a suspicious noise at night........................0 
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................0 
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.............+5 
You pummel it with a six iron..................................+10 
It's her father................................................-10 

Social Engagements 

You stay by her side the entire party............................0 
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a 
college buddy...................................................+2 
Named Tiffany...................................................-4 
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her 
lovingly........................................................+1 
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" 
and pat her affectionately......................................-5 
When at the party you never introduce her at all ..............-10 
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if 
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as 
attractive as you"..............................................+1 

Things Of A Disgusting Nature 

You unclog a stopped-up toilet..................................+6 
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit............................+7 
You get rid of a dead rodent....................................+8 
You disassemble the toilet to find her wedding ring that the 
2-year old dropped in along with 15 pounds of toilet paper.....+15 
And never say "I told you not to leave your ring on the bathroom 
counter "......................................................+25 
You take her mother to see Cats................................+30 

Saturday Afternoon 

You go to the mall together.....................................+3 
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the 
car.............................................................+4 
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to 
a sports bar....................................................-2 
You go to the mall together and spend 2 hours in the ladies dept. 
watching her try on new dresses ................................+5 
You spend 2 hours watching her try on dresses, then when she 
decides on the first one she tried you just smile and pay the 
cashier........................................................+10 
You spend the day shopping for wallpaper & agree with her that 
the pink one with the roses climbing the trellis is the best ...+4 
You insist on putting the wallpaper up yourself to save money...-5 
You put the wallpaper up within a month of buying it ...........+1 
You put it up and it stays up...................................+4 
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.+3 
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.0 
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk...........+3 
Most of it chips and soda.......................................-6 
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.+15 
Or refinishing the floors......................................+16 
Or rewiring the basement.......................................+17 
Or adding a second floor.......................................+18 
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket....-6 
And you're tickled pink about it...............................-15 
You visit her parents...........................................+1 
You visit her parents and actually make conversation............+3 
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television......-3 
And the television is off.......................................-6 
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear.....-6 

Her Birthday 

You take her out to dinner.......................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar............+1 
Okay, it is a sports bar........................................-2 
And it's all-you-can-eat night..................................-3 
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is 
painted the colors of your favorite team.......................-10 
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player....+3 
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up 
and sing........................................................+4 
And you stink...................................................+2 
And you're not half bad.........................................+5 
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out 
to much applause................................................-2 
You give her a gift..............................................0 
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................-10 
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.............+1 
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.....................+2 
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......+30 
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.....-10 
With her credit card...........................................-30 
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................-40 

Thoughtfulness 

You forget her birthday completely.............................-10 
You forget your anniversary....................................-20 
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................-25 
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................-35 
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................-50 

Her Night Out 

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work 
friends.........................................................+5 
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home 
late...........................................................+10 
You wait up....................................................+15 

A Night At Home 

You watch TV together............................................0 
You rent a movie................................................+1 
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...................+3 
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..........+5 
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep....................-1 
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..........-2 

A Night Out 

You take her to a movie.........................................+2 
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4 
You take her to a movie you hate 
(anything with Barbra Streisand)................................+6 
You take her to a movie you like................................-2 
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-7 
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and 
sheepdogs......................................................-15 

Flowers 

You buy her flowers only when it's expected......................0 
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it......+5 
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......+10 
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................-25 

Your Physique 

You develop a noticeable potbelly..............................-15 
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.......... +10 
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts..........................................................-5 
You buy a membership to the gym to get in shape.................+2 
You tell her she ought to come along as you've noticed her getting 
a little "chubby"..............................................-10 

Grooming 

You trim your nails.............................................+5 
You trim your nails in the living room.........................-10 
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................-15 
You shave on the weekends.......................................+2 
You don't shave on the weekends.................................-4 
You don't bathe on the weekends either..........................-8 
But then, neither does she......................................+8 
You buy her a bottle of dandruff shampoo........................-2 
You buy her a bottle of dandruff shampoo for her birthday......-10 

Finances 

You spend a lot of money on something impractical...............-5 
It's for her ..................................................+20 

Driving 

You lose the directions on a trip...............................-4 
And refuse to stop and ask for help.............................-5 
And end up getting lost........................................-10 
In a bad part of town..........................................-15 
And meet the locals up close and personal......................-25 
She finds out you lied about having a black belt...............-60 

The Big Question (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) 

She asks, "Do I look fat?"......................................-5 
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10 
You reply, "Where?"............................................-25 
You reply, "Yes"..............................................-100