Mary had a little lamb, 
She called it Baby Abby. 
They burned it in a great big pit, 
'cuz its mouth and feet were scabby. 
 
Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, Ind., are the 
basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center 
of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year- 
"62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc. One day I spotted a freshman looking 
curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the 
teams always lost by one fuckin point?" 
 
Give a man a fish, 
he eats for a day. 
Teach a man to fish, 
he gets hit by a nuclear submarine. 
 
Q. How can you tell when an Iranian matures? 
A. That is when they take the diaper off his ass and wrap it around his head. 
 
Q. If having your appendix out is an appendectomy and having your tonsils 
out is called a tonsillectomy..What do you call a woman having a sex change? 
A. A Giveadictomy. 
 
Mary had a little lamb, 
she called him Little Ralph, 
But now he's burning in a field, 
Because of foot and mouth. 
 
There was a very wealthy 70 year-old man who had just married a beautiful 
25-year-old young lady. One of his long time friends said to him, "How did 
you get that gorgeous woman to marry a 70 year-old guy like you?" The man 
leaned over and said to his friend, "It was easy. I simply told her that I 
was 90 and had heart problems." 

Why Are Fire Trucks Red? 
Everyone knows that fire engines have 4 wheels and 8 men. 4 and 8 make 12. 
There are twelve inches in a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth, a 
ruler, is the name of one of the largest ships on the seas. Seas have fish 
and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and Russians are red . . . 
and fire trucks are always rushin' therefore, fire trucks are red. 
 
Why don't they make white M&M's? 
Because they'd enslave the dark brown M&M's, 
... steal all the red M&Ms' land, 
... hunt the blue M&M's to extinction, 
... accuse the yellow M&M's of obstructing trade, 
... start a panic that the little green M&M's were invading the Earth, 
... and complain that the damn light brown M&M's were taking all their jobs. 
 
Q. What does "varicose" mean? 
A. Nearby. 
 
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, 
Watching her livestock burn. 
When along came a vet, 
Who confiscated her pet, 
Will fairytale folk ever learn? 
 
We used to take life with a grain of salt. Now it is with 5 milligrams of Valium. 
 
This guy goes to the doctor for a check up, and the doctor tells him, "Well, 
I have bad news for you, and worse news for you. Which would like first?"

So the guy says, "Give me the worse news first." 

The doctor says, "You have cancer." 

The guy says, "O.K. Now what's the bad news?" 

And the doctor replies, "You have Alzheimer's." 

"Phew," says the guy, "I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer!" 

 
Q. What is a Hindu? 
A. It lay eggs. 


Mary's pigs had foot and mouth, 
'This crisis', cried she, 'Needs tackling!' 
Now all I've got is one black field, 
And fourteen tons of crackling. 

 
4 out of 5 doctors recommend another doctor. 

America, Home of the Blame. Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility
in America in the last 20 years. 

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, 
she blames the restaurant. 

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician he liked. 

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the 
tobacco company. 

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex 
education. 

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. 

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame 
the government for not providing clean ones. 

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. 

And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. 

And, if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 
feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline. 

God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame.